Reflections On Marriage and The Individual

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran is one of the most impactful books I’ve ever read. The book consists of 26 fables, each focused on one specific topic. One fable unpacks Gibran’s thoughts on marriage.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

The point of marriage is to nurture each other to become the best versions of yourselves. It is not to take from the other to fill some hole inside of you and vice versa. When you come together, you don’t become one, but rather, you stand apart, as individuals, who help the other share the burden of life and with it, help with the maturation of the individual.

To be married means to become two capable individuals. Not two people who need each other to become capable. Each has to create a solid foundation for themselves. Two people cannot share one foundation. In a marriage, you help the other strengthen their foundation but don’t take from the other to strengthen your own.

Additionally, I would add that a healthy marriage involves a commitment to help the other person grow into their higher self. In order to do that, you need to understand deeply what your partner wants out of life.

What’s their aim in life? What’s their vision of fulfillment? What does their ideal self look like? What kind of habits and actions does that ideal self take? What accomplishment has that ideal self achieved? How does that person look physically? How does that person feel mentally? How does that ideal self handle their thoughts and emotions? How does that person communicate? What traits does that ideal self have?

Once again, it echoes the importance of being an individual. Your happiness shouldn’t rely on another person. You need to have your own path in life which runs parallel alongside your partners. And it’s the partner’s job to come help clean up some rubble, trim the edges, smooth out the path a little so you can keep going. Or lend a helping hand when you stumble. Brush off the dirt, bandage a wound and get you walking down your path again.

Help you speed up when necessary. So you’re not left behind. So you can see what you are truly capable of. Slow down when the time is right. So you don’t miss the sights. So you don’t overlook a different path.

But they don’t force you to abandon your path or make you follow theirs. As Gibran said, “The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

There will be plenty of sacrifices in marriage which might force you off your original path and take a different side road. But that’s natural as well. As we mature and evolve, our wants and needs shift, as does our aim in life. But that change needs to be understood so that you can communicate it with your partner.

Your partner should hold you to a higher standard. The one that you are trying to achieve.

The maturation then comes in three parts. The maturation of yourself. The maturation of your partner. And the maturation of the relationship. All three parts work in harmony but they don’t mature all at once. However, through patience and clear communication, harmony can be achieved.

The harmony between two individuals is marriage.

Originally published at http://learnedlivingorg.wordpress.com on February 18, 2024.